Around Me

Surround me
like roses around a blade of grass
Around me
I see a fantasy of me in the past

Words confusing as the world,
cause the confused who speak are illogical.
Away my great ideas are hurled
they we're unreal and mythological.

Puzzles stop when I stop pondering
forgetting that the pieces haven't fit.
Halfway I'm empty through wandering
still confused as to why I can't quit

A jumble of words that don't need to be written
A hollow person gradually filling up
A fixed heart that wants to be smitten
and I still want to defeat what's killing us

Loneliness and depression being killed with one stone
Different in definition but are they one bird?
Pausing growth towards being full grown
For once I'm afraid because I know it's absurd

Destroy me
It's a funny idea that wouldn't possibly last
Deploy me
I preform a strategy cause I'm on my way back
Bear with me
Slowly picked up, unable to go fast

Broken Machinery and the Mechanic

It's alright. Theres so much I need to learn.
Somebody still has to teach me.
This knowledge, this stuff I'm trying to yearn,
I guess I'll just let it reach me.

I love being a train, cruising the track,
Unable to see the lane. I'm busy looking back.
Oh look. To my right, that must be the railing.
If you'd helped before tonight, I admit smoother sailing.
But that's my fault. You were waiting all along.
As the wound filled with salt, I just tried to be strong,
But I should've let you clean it. That's just being smart.
You all don't know how I mean it. You don't know my heart.
Sometimes I just choose stupidity. Actually a lot.
Or trying so hard endlessly. Now, for me, I stop.
Don't worry, I haven't gone soft, this isn't me backing down,
This is just me moving forward, instead of losing ground.

Look at the famous. They all have so much pride.
They all know they're awesome. They have lovers spread wide.
But what they don't have, is some depth inside.
They can throw me to the ground. I'd smile. I too have pride.
Something much stronger, cause it's for someone on my side.

Someone I thank, cause they deserve thanks.
Someone I fear, cause he leads the ranks.
Someone I fight for, cause I like to win.
Someone who actually is living within.
Someone I trust, cause he deserves trust.
Someone I love, cause he deserves love.
Someone I struggle with giving all of the above.
Someone who I'm learning to ask help from.
Someone who's making me what he wants me to become.

Someone who I can be stupid for, and for once, use my head.
Because through being stupid for him, I hope he raises you from the dead.

Without Brains, But Thinking

Let's take a walk and just go for 10 miles
Maybe stand out in the snow while it piles
In my mind with someone crazy like myself
Someone not stupid but not a dusty shelf

But that might be pride. I don't know if that's true.
I know I'm right, but I'm also wrong too.
I know sometimes I've become a fool for you.
I say "you" so specific, like it's just about you.
Right now you is nothing except something soon new.
You aren't stupid, but dumb enough that I'm through,
Without anything I find myself again blue
But I was blue when I created you too
So now I know what I now need to do.
But knowers and believers aren't always one crew
Sometimes I feel like I never really grew.

Maybe that's humility, finally kicking in
Flipping off the pride that's infesting within
I know enough and battled enough sin,
That I must be as mature as some of these other men,
But what's gonna happen when it nails me again
When both thoughts and reality create a dungeon
And then I painfully climb back up from the den
Yet I'm not really climbing. He's just reeling me in.

So hello everybody. This is me without the fake smile
This is the me leaving me there for awhile
But probably not forever. At least not yet.
I know I'm so weak that I just might forget.

Your Kind Unkind

Let's set it back twelve weeks, and step in my time machine.
Let's do a recap, and discover my thoughts.
You could look at how I was weak, and ignore what my words mean.
Maybe you could look at everything you got.

Or you could step out of yourself.
Maybe, just maybe you could consider it.
After all, that's what I'm doing myself.
I realize I'm not alright. In fact far from it.

I know it comes naturally, to all of you beauties.
You suck in the gaze you've had your whole life.
I wish you were ugly, and that it wasn't your duty,
Your horrid job causes all of us strife.

I know I'm really nobody to talk.
Yes I do know I've done it before.
I also have changed the direction of my walk.
And my footsteps don't touch there anymore.

If it was just me I don't think I would mind.
But the satisfaction you're still getting kills me.
Do you think it's your job to fix these guy's minds?
To screw them over and make them set themselves free?

Do you enjoy it? The pain you've caused?
Do you care about it? Now that it's done?
You want more of it, and it's just because
You simply love it. The attention.

This invisible sword, this is me sheathing it.
In doing that, I know you'll be stabbed.
Your selfishness drug, I know you're needing it.
You can decide when your cut will be scabbed.

I can't decide if if what you need is a friend
It's so ironic, the rules to this game.
Being unable to hurt me again
How it will cause you pain.

Oh, and do me a favor, just this one time.
For whoever thinks this is just directed at you,
Spare yourself the joy of that attention this time.
These words I write, I write to all of you.

Stopped and Going.

I'll probably just repeat it. I don't trust myself to stop.
Maybe say it different ways, and you'll make it fit together.
Embarrassment because of it, The end. It's all dropped.
It'll never be a craze. In this blizzard you cant see the weather.

Here I am, sitting around busy, watching the fantasy.
The fantasy stings, cause I hate it so much.
In the fantasy you're dizzy. The fantasy is reality.
Oh what fun it brings. It's your giant devious crutch.

You're lying, and I know the secret.
Theres something small on the sideline, just try and shake it off.
It hurts me. Cause I know you'll reap it.
The thing you ignore, time after time. It'll come back. You'll be sent off.

I cannot tell what I'm doing. It looks oh so great.
I'm wrestling, as I just keep running laps.
These fantasies keep brewing, the fantasy that I hate.
I know so much truth, and then you produce gaps.

I can handle nightmares, I really don't mind Freddy.
But the world. The world I see. I watch it spring up.
I now have these cares. The truth is I'm not ready.
But it's ready for me, and I can't make it wait up.

It's the everyday that's scary. I don't mind the dreams.
It's the stuff I can't say, not because it's impure,
I'm not gonna be a fairy. I'm a man, and I'm me.
But theres so much left to say, and there isn't really a cure.

I think about being humble, as pride screws me again.
It's my thoughts. I cling to them. I haven't solved their mystery.
I feel another stumble, from another oblivious friend
I might not cling on to them, but I can't let the clues be history.

Grace? Good one.

Now.
He stands in front of thousands,
he's praised above the fve.
His voice resounds from his mountain,
but he doesn't look as alive.
I want to see emotion, to even see him sad.

I'm already slightly mad.

Then.
He casted out my homeboy.
I'm tempted to think it his pride.
In hearing the planter there's more joy
But I dislike ths current vibe.
I have a notion that my grop doesn't have.

I was rightly mad.

Again.
I know a secret about when he utters "damage."
I know he has grouped the boy in that.
Our boy has a greater gift in his bondage
But with their opinions, they may never see that.
Instead they think the homeboy is bad,

Which makes me highly mad.

Now.
My encourager is loved by few in this place.
Most have never heard his thoughts.
Instead they've heard another man's case
While the homeboy gets fired shots.
There is unity that could have been had.

And now, I am rightly sad.