Broken Machinery and the Mechanic

It's alright. Theres so much I need to learn.
Somebody still has to teach me.
This knowledge, this stuff I'm trying to yearn,
I guess I'll just let it reach me.

I love being a train, cruising the track,
Unable to see the lane. I'm busy looking back.
Oh look. To my right, that must be the railing.
If you'd helped before tonight, I admit smoother sailing.
But that's my fault. You were waiting all along.
As the wound filled with salt, I just tried to be strong,
But I should've let you clean it. That's just being smart.
You all don't know how I mean it. You don't know my heart.
Sometimes I just choose stupidity. Actually a lot.
Or trying so hard endlessly. Now, for me, I stop.
Don't worry, I haven't gone soft, this isn't me backing down,
This is just me moving forward, instead of losing ground.

Look at the famous. They all have so much pride.
They all know they're awesome. They have lovers spread wide.
But what they don't have, is some depth inside.
They can throw me to the ground. I'd smile. I too have pride.
Something much stronger, cause it's for someone on my side.

Someone I thank, cause they deserve thanks.
Someone I fear, cause he leads the ranks.
Someone I fight for, cause I like to win.
Someone who actually is living within.
Someone I trust, cause he deserves trust.
Someone I love, cause he deserves love.
Someone I struggle with giving all of the above.
Someone who I'm learning to ask help from.
Someone who's making me what he wants me to become.

Someone who I can be stupid for, and for once, use my head.
Because through being stupid for him, I hope he raises you from the dead.

Everything is Something.

Hang on a sec,
Let me sit on my ass little longer.
I'll just hang out while you sit on yours.
I'm not a wreck.
I've realized I'm not becoming much stronger.
Because though I feel rain, it doesn't really pour.

Usually I watch from the light of day.
I look on as the lightning cracks from above you.
From my umbrella to your cloud of gray.
I'll step into your storm because I love you.

In the end though, it's your storm, not mine.
What am I saying? I don't know the end, it's not time.
I don't know anything, cause right now I'm fine.
In the end though, I know everything will shine.

What scares me is you guys. I feel for you the most.
How can I live my life when so many of you are toast?
But that's just it. I have problems too.
Most of them are minor, some of them are you.

But I still feel young. I'm still inexperienced.
I still haven't found the balance I need.
I know that I've changed. Nobody could deny it.
But change isn't always growth, so I don't know.

Why can't I land in the middle somewhere?
Why do everyone's perspectives always vary?
Why am I so overloaded by this nothing?
Is it just the fact that I really do care?
Or that I'm a fool for finding the unknown scary?
Or maybe it's that there's actually something.
Maybe I'm climbing a big flight of wooden stairs,
Some steps rotting out, and some made of fine cherry.
Maybe when I reach the top it'll be taken from me there.
A burden that I'll no longer ave to carry.
Which will be replaced by another mysterious something.

The will always be another stairwell.
There is always an upper story.
And until I give life a farewell,
I guess I'll be writing this story.

Ignorance Isn't Bliss, Cause Ignorance is Me.

Do you ever know what's gonna happen,
Before it ever comes rollin' around?
Do you know the twigs will be snappin'
While unsure if you'll hear the sound?
Do you know the bird will be flappin'
But can't imagine it leaving the ground?

I know what is going to take place.
I know the basics, the outline, and the cast.
I know all of it is just grace,
and it's been given to me so fast.
Everything, every experience I face,
Has been a part of your loving blast.

As I ponder it now, it makes me sober.
Cause I have no skill, no power at all.
Eighteen years ago, some average october,
I was created, unwasted and small.
Now I look back, and I'm not that much older,
But I know I've had more than enough time.
And though I'm in a field of three leaf clover,
You pick out the one with four and let it be mine.

So here I am. This is me saying thanks.
This is me not measuring up.
I'm standing here, just firing blanks,
But I'm watching you light it up.

All I know is the future shouldn't scare me.
But I'm human, I'm dumb, and I'm frightened.
But I'm thanking you now, for carrying me.
My grip upon you has been tightened.

The Fear of Tomorrow. The Today of Today.

I don't think it's that it's that insane.
I think it's too much for my unexerted brain.
I see what would be the smartest to gain,
I think I've got it, and then I lose my structure.
Lose it? Who am I kidding. I never had structure.
In the back of my head all I want is to hug her.

In the past week she took my hot air balloon,
Within a conversation took it, and gave it a puncture.
Now that I've stopped shooting for it, I may be handed the moon.
Even though I'm not so now, cause of my broken balloon
But the balloon was so boring it had to die soon
Now I'm scared. I just might become your buffoon.
What if I dive in, and then you change your tune?

If only this was a switch. It turn it on on my own,
Instead of looking up from the ground to another surprise dune.
I was just going for a hike and wish that hill wasn't shown.
Either theres a spring on the other side, or I hang up the phone.
When we look back, I wonder if things will have grown.

I wonder if you're simply being used to chisel me
If you're a part of everything else, or if you stand alone.
Everything else is being used to set me free.
I know it's not a form of abuse, but skills I need to hone.
So I find myself driving, I see what I want to see,
I go where I want to go, until I hit your traffic cone.
So now I'm just striving. I'm not gonna flee.

I'm gonna stare everything in the face.
I'll stay rooted here while I move from this place.
Staying calm, as I run faster in this race.
Seeing you swing that chain, wondering "What's the case?"
Cause though I see the chain, I know nothing about the mace.
So I hope you look carefully. I hope you'll find the trace.
Then I'll see firsthand that the effort wasn't a waste.
Though I don't need it, cause it's not you. He's the one I chase.

Someday we'll laugh about this. We already do.

These words I write, are now etched in my thoughtstream.
They wrestle in my brain, and break through my head.
If I had known in the height of the loyalness of my dream
That I was making my chain, which would soon be broken instead
I never would have tried. I'd have run towards something else.
Possibly the likeness of a time machine, instead of a dusty, cracked door.
I still would have tried, but I'd have been assisting myself
Changing the focus of my dream, doing less, and helping us both more.

I know that you'll sleep well tonight.
I know you will, cause I've been annoying you.
I know you will, cause you looked different.
Those moments come when a spark makes a light
But they don't come from anything I can do.
So I'll wait for them, savor them, cause I can't create them.

Every time I touch this pen to this paper
It scares me, so I write about my fear.
We go from our thoughts to the reality of our capers
But I'm nervous. Somehow my actions and thoughts aren't clear.

I'm solving so many mysteries. Some about life, and some about you.
I guess you're a part of life, but I also think you're maybe something else.
It only half makes sense to me, but the answers are coming through.
I usually ignore it, yet it brings strife, but I guess I can't know anything else.
Neither of us can. Is that what's so scary?
I think that it's part of it, along with aftershocks of the past
I'm doing what I can. Theres some things I decided to bury
Cause you were the only part of it, those actions couldn't last.

The fact is they weren't me. They felt foreign and strange.
It was a fight for my pride, as you helped to from me take it
But I can once again see. Once again I have range.
We both know we won't die. I guess we'll see how we make it.

Without Brains, But Thinking

Let's take a walk and just go for 10 miles
Maybe stand out in the snow while it piles
In my mind with someone crazy like myself
Someone not stupid but not a dusty shelf

But that might be pride. I don't know if that's true.
I know I'm right, but I'm also wrong too.
I know sometimes I've become a fool for you.
I say "you" so specific, like it's just about you.
Right now you is nothing except something soon new.
You aren't stupid, but dumb enough that I'm through,
Without anything I find myself again blue
But I was blue when I created you too
So now I know what I now need to do.
But knowers and believers aren't always one crew
Sometimes I feel like I never really grew.

Maybe that's humility, finally kicking in
Flipping off the pride that's infesting within
I know enough and battled enough sin,
That I must be as mature as some of these other men,
But what's gonna happen when it nails me again
When both thoughts and reality create a dungeon
And then I painfully climb back up from the den
Yet I'm not really climbing. He's just reeling me in.

So hello everybody. This is me without the fake smile
This is the me leaving me there for awhile
But probably not forever. At least not yet.
I know I'm so weak that I just might forget.

The Eardrums of the World

Sometimes I think about screaming at the world.
I play with the idea, and let it swirl in my head.
I wake up and contemplate it, at night, in bed.
In the end I refrain, and am silent instead.

It would be senseless to scream at the world.
The result would be that my voice would be gone.
The world would laugh cause it's done nothing wrong.
The world would be still, ignore me, and move on.

I have no reason to scream at the world.
When I think about it, at the end of the day.
When all is done, I'm embarrassed and okay.
I'm actually being blessed and molded like clay.

Imagine a poll of who has screamed at the world.
Maybe those who loved someone who is now deceased.
Maybe those with foreheads legitimately creased.
Possibly someone who cannot withstand the beast,
Who is constantly chained under a lock and a key,
Someone who can't even imagine being free.
Maybe dreams about heaven are their only source of glee.
Someone who isn't spoiled like me.

I wonder if I'll ever scream at the world.
Either through immaturity, or just the horror of life.
Maybe I'll encounter a true source of strife.
For now I won't think about screaming.
But I'll help those that do, while I live my life.

Your Kind Unkind

Let's set it back twelve weeks, and step in my time machine.
Let's do a recap, and discover my thoughts.
You could look at how I was weak, and ignore what my words mean.
Maybe you could look at everything you got.

Or you could step out of yourself.
Maybe, just maybe you could consider it.
After all, that's what I'm doing myself.
I realize I'm not alright. In fact far from it.

I know it comes naturally, to all of you beauties.
You suck in the gaze you've had your whole life.
I wish you were ugly, and that it wasn't your duty,
Your horrid job causes all of us strife.

I know I'm really nobody to talk.
Yes I do know I've done it before.
I also have changed the direction of my walk.
And my footsteps don't touch there anymore.

If it was just me I don't think I would mind.
But the satisfaction you're still getting kills me.
Do you think it's your job to fix these guy's minds?
To screw them over and make them set themselves free?

Do you enjoy it? The pain you've caused?
Do you care about it? Now that it's done?
You want more of it, and it's just because
You simply love it. The attention.

This invisible sword, this is me sheathing it.
In doing that, I know you'll be stabbed.
Your selfishness drug, I know you're needing it.
You can decide when your cut will be scabbed.

I can't decide if if what you need is a friend
It's so ironic, the rules to this game.
Being unable to hurt me again
How it will cause you pain.

Oh, and do me a favor, just this one time.
For whoever thinks this is just directed at you,
Spare yourself the joy of that attention this time.
These words I write, I write to all of you.

Stopped and Going.

I'll probably just repeat it. I don't trust myself to stop.
Maybe say it different ways, and you'll make it fit together.
Embarrassment because of it, The end. It's all dropped.
It'll never be a craze. In this blizzard you cant see the weather.

Here I am, sitting around busy, watching the fantasy.
The fantasy stings, cause I hate it so much.
In the fantasy you're dizzy. The fantasy is reality.
Oh what fun it brings. It's your giant devious crutch.

You're lying, and I know the secret.
Theres something small on the sideline, just try and shake it off.
It hurts me. Cause I know you'll reap it.
The thing you ignore, time after time. It'll come back. You'll be sent off.

I cannot tell what I'm doing. It looks oh so great.
I'm wrestling, as I just keep running laps.
These fantasies keep brewing, the fantasy that I hate.
I know so much truth, and then you produce gaps.

I can handle nightmares, I really don't mind Freddy.
But the world. The world I see. I watch it spring up.
I now have these cares. The truth is I'm not ready.
But it's ready for me, and I can't make it wait up.

It's the everyday that's scary. I don't mind the dreams.
It's the stuff I can't say, not because it's impure,
I'm not gonna be a fairy. I'm a man, and I'm me.
But theres so much left to say, and there isn't really a cure.

I think about being humble, as pride screws me again.
It's my thoughts. I cling to them. I haven't solved their mystery.
I feel another stumble, from another oblivious friend
I might not cling on to them, but I can't let the clues be history.

An older brother, another year.

Remember that one time, I nicknamed you Pid?
A new joke of mine, It was short for stuPid.
But then you chuckled, and nicknamed me Stu.
The conversation buckled, the joke wasn't on you.
You turned it around, and our laugh became one
We stand on level ground, and know how to have fun.

When you say something really dumb, I find it hilarious.
You've laughed at my jokes some, when others are precarious.
I might say something lame, like "Dude, I think you're car is pimp,
it really steps up your game. If it was a prius you'd be a wimp."
When so many of these others, would look at me and respond,
"Dude you and your brother, your minds must be gone."
But you and I both know, we're totally legit.
And our confidence bro, it makes us a bigger hit.

You also paint pictures. They're quite amazing works of art.
You're definitely mature. Mom says I just sit around and fart.
Even though it's not true, I don't pass that much gas.
I usually hold it in, cause I gotta find myself a lass.
But around you my dear Pid, it's a beautiful thing.
We act like little kids, to me, happiness you bring.

When I think about it now, it almost makes me wanna tear.
Cause as I write these words down, I realize you've always been near.
Sure you now live downstate, so we aren't actually hanging out,
But I can put the phone to my face, and a conversation will sprout.
So Cameron, on your day of birth, my brother, my friend, my Pid.
I respect you for living life with girth, and how we act like little kids.

Civil wars aren't pretty.

Listen. He's gonna spit from the stereo.
His words are a gift, you can't tell me no.
His talent cuts the air, sounds insane, obscene.
Without a care, yet he cares, he's not gonna be clean.
You want to say he's nothing? You could tell yourself no.
You want me to to disapprove? You told me "go"

I want to hear it. I'll play it by the hour.
I'll bring you near it. You go take a shower.
You serious now? I almost want to show it off.
Can you talk now? Naw you'll just blow them off.
I don't need you to clear it. You can't see why it has power.
I won't steer clear of it. I'll enjoy while you cower.

Convert me? Make me nice? "Come on give give this a try
you're gonna pay the price, you're filling up with a lie"
Your fluffy rhyme isn't good. It doesn't make sense.
Throw it away? Sure I could. Or I could build this fence.
Where's the agenda? I sit here. Wonder why.
Put in some more splenda. Let's see if it'll buy.
He'll say "I'm not cool but that's okay"
No it's not. You're totally gay.

You think I'm crazy. I tell you I'm fine.
I think it's hazy. You're seeing a line.
You dislike my taste, but you're against me too.
You say it's just a waste. I'm gonna snap. I'm through.
If you knew what I could say. I hear things like these voices.
But our abilities don't define us, just our choices.

Maybe if they get in my face. Maybe then it's cool.
But he's a rapper from Point of Grace. He's an idiot. What a fool.
You don't get my rage. You don't see my hate.
Have fun in that cage, your leash doesn't rate.
Preach to me. Get in my face. Look, a christian duel.
These words are pointless, a waste. You're the one who's cruel.

I'm Braced.

Something is about to happen
I can feel it creeping up.
I know it's waiting for me,
It will randomly erupt.

Something is about to happen
I think the egg will crack.
It must break eventually,
I hope the inside isn't black.

Something is about to happen
Soon my life may burst
Either I will then feel free
Or things are going to get worse.

Something is about to happen
It may turn into a kiss
It may be something filled with glee
I wish I knew more about this.

Something is about to happen.
Will it hit me with a blast?
I wonder who holds the key.
I'll know when it is passed.

Something is about to happen
I know it has to be true
I know I'll be able to breathe
I know the time is due

Something is about to happen
I cannot tell you what
But I know theres something to see
By this feeling in my gut.

My Heartbeat

Feeling. My reality. My heartbeat.
Freezing. With nobody. No fellow heat.
Beatings. Comfort me? I won't retreat.
Cheating. So shallowly. Isn't that sweet?
Gleaning. So selfishly. You and Darwin should meet.

I've embraced it, and called out the dark.
They're laced in it, pre snuff out the spark.
Come bathe in it. Please, hit the mark.
They're hating this, this righteous shark.
Stop wasting it. Let me feel your heart.

I'm chasing it. Will someone push the cart.
Start facing it! Amidst death you should dart.
You're hating it. By the book you're so smart.
Don't change to it, but really, play your part.
I'm taking it, and thank God, I'm not so smart.

Numbness. I'm safe now, I'm nothing.
Dumbness. I choose to know nothing.
Gumless, I bite, detached from all things.
Now rest, flee from my weak suffering.
Should I jest? Should I do something?

I'm broken down. My actions are dead.
I'm powerful now, in a way I'm ahead.
I choose to wow, you can't get in my head.
I can take a bow, go sleep in the shed
I milk the cow, spill it. Why was it fed?
I'm effortless. It's my comforting med.
A lot to chow, maybe doing that next.
I wipe my brow, remember where I'm led
I'm through now, with being through instead.
I know how to produce. You're my bread.

Grace? Good one.

Now.
He stands in front of thousands,
he's praised above the fve.
His voice resounds from his mountain,
but he doesn't look as alive.
I want to see emotion, to even see him sad.

I'm already slightly mad.

Then.
He casted out my homeboy.
I'm tempted to think it his pride.
In hearing the planter there's more joy
But I dislike ths current vibe.
I have a notion that my grop doesn't have.

I was rightly mad.

Again.
I know a secret about when he utters "damage."
I know he has grouped the boy in that.
Our boy has a greater gift in his bondage
But with their opinions, they may never see that.
Instead they think the homeboy is bad,

Which makes me highly mad.

Now.
My encourager is loved by few in this place.
Most have never heard his thoughts.
Instead they've heard another man's case
While the homeboy gets fired shots.
There is unity that could have been had.

And now, I am rightly sad.

Them. And them.

Enter in. They will love you.
They cannot see inside.
They will see their desire.
In your skin you will hide.

Step out. They won't mind you.
A newfound fight for pride.
In the darker climbing higher,
Trying to show them my guide.

Reveal thinking. They won't get you.
Explain instead of hide.
They're appalled at your fire.
At least you can say you tried.

Meet again. They can't hear you.
The confused glance spreads wide.
You try to explain your buyer,
The significance of how he died.

Look back. Have they moved with you?
They don't know why you just cried.
While you're sifting through the mire
They feel instead that you have lied.

Persevere. They recognize you.
They realize how much you've tried.
But they're slipping off of the wire,
The wire to which you cling tight.

Turn away. Sure, they'll miss you.
But they can't grasp your mind.
They just don't see your inspire.
They want you to just get it right.

Hold fast. Maybe they'll join you.
Progress has been made inside.
Theres a chance they'll experience your fire.
So there you'll still reside.

You Can't Hear Me

In between connection and isolation,
searching for the purpose in the weakness.
Imperfection is flaunted by everyone
But can we be blessed in our meekness?
I hear everyone should be accepted for anything
I also hear their anger at my disagreement
But in their confusion they love their suffering.
I know their hearts can be broken. So can cement.
Could I really accept it all? Should we?
I find logic is invalid and ignored.
Yet logic says one is right, not both you and me.
Theres so many dead in this horde.
A diamond is worth less than a man,
yet as people we leave so fast.
We preserve diamonds. We scheme. We plan.
But do we care if our friends will last?
A quarter way through and I'm dying.
Before I know it I'll be there.
I'm going to spend my time trying.
I want you to know that I care.