Dear Irony

Could you please hand me that calendar?
No not the schedule, just some dates please.
I know the days of the year,
But I'm not sure if I'll find my car keys.

Could you please pull up a chair and relax?
No I said relax. Stop sitting there squirming please.
I know that you're able to just sit here
Just sit here with me and let everything freeze.

Could you please take a deep breath, and then breathe normal?
No, don't get mad at me. Will you calm down please?
I know you're kicked into high gear.
Can you maybe just park and counterclockwise turn the key?

Could you please realize that I'm on your side?
No, dont interrupt me. Can I finish what I'm saying this once please?
I know that you're uninformed, but don't have to fear.
Can you just stop trying and bow to your knees?

And now to you,
Could you... nevermind. You've actually thought things through.
No it's really not so bad. Just don't forget me, please.
I know that I shouldn't have anything to fear
If only I sit down, take a deep breath, listen, and sometimes,
say please.